I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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