i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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