Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
