the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
