omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
