My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
