nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize