is your mom at the bar?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
