I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize