I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am midnight drunk by noon
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize