Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
