my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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