I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
