two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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