Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
