Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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