honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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