I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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