I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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