I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
