"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
