also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
