so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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