I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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