My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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