why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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