Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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