Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
