Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
