Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
