its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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