This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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