the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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