And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
