you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
