You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
