Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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