you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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