he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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