You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
