found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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