im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
