just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
