you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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