It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
