he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize