For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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