My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
