i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
