I just saw a hot homeless man
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Randomize
