Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize