Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
