Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize