Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
