Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
