I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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