Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I smell like Dick and happiness
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