He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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