having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
