I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
