So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
