I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
