Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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