yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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