I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
